Departure

Living alone takes getting used to again. Time suddenly seems to be found and doubled, as well as silence. The constant pulsing of your own thoughts is the background noise, and you reach out and grasp at familiar voices, your attentive ear calls in these sounds, your eyes recreate familiar spaces. You wish to be in two places at the same time, you wish to be with someone, and alone.

Through the rain I walk more slowly, I savor the metro rides, the long platforms, I come home to myself. I settle into my routine again, and the hours expand like a flock of small birds out of a single tree. I haven’t felt this quiet in a long time. I feel good. I’ve made some decisions — it seems like this year is full of those. Learning slowly how to say no. I wonder if it will somehow come to the biggest no I will have learnt to utter yet.

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