Cape May

A blank sun
pressing its palm to my
forehead, I am wrapped
in a red scarf that’s seen
foreign winters and snowfalls
in my city — now the glare is
too hot for April
and the spuming water
too cold.

The beach is part desert,
sand thick and dry
dropping like fistfuls
of bird seeds, to bury
chipped shells the size
of thumbnails.
Grain-sized pebbles, the ones
you slip into the camera pocket
to remember that you were
in fact not elsewhere.

At the lighthouse the fear
of falling kept us from
looking down entirely.
Did we see the beach?
The battlement? A sunken
S.S. Atlantus reared up like
a pensive creature. The same wind
from so many towers we had climbed
blew then on this coast.

Now the gulls circle
and find no one but couples
fishing and the rest
of our mom-and-pop store
popcorn from our slow walks
through the square, past the
mansions that were really waiting,
with hushed parlors,
for tourists to loom over.

I try to picture this place
in winter, during a sleet storm,
the houses dreaming of
inland cities and the ponds
in the mini-golf park frozen dry —
a beach town like a shipwreck
in its wrong season,
beneath a changed sky and
so far from the sun,
it hardly exists.

Hiatus II

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In the side mirror the thin wisp of smoke curls, wanders under the orange parking lot light, curls back inside towards the dash as if lost, the long cigarette held by a pale hand as if not your own — a hand that is only a hand, leaning against an open window beyond the “Do Not Enter” sign that reads backwards next to the ticket booth. Norfolk, Virginia, an airport like all others, except no one is there arriving and departing, or waiting.

That’s tiring activity, just like driving, but not so much listening to the same song you came upon again today which you once found on a morning bus to Alcala de Henares. It sounds like another song about unrequited love, and you are on vacation but it doesn’t seem like one really. It seems like you are eighteen and it’s summer, one of those nights you stay up because you feel something comes out of you, but the world goes on.

The cars circle. The arrivers must have arrived. You couldn’t say you felt too much because that has never been your mistake when the time came to feel. The movie of your life goes on; you continue trying to remember not the present script but the previous ones. You think it’s more important to know the past, but the most monumental lines you’ve forgotten even ever existed.

Hiatus

“It is easy in the world to live after the world’s opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

In New York, you walk across the same avenues as always. How many times have you walked this same street, 53rd, across 6th and 7th avenues? How many times have you passed by countless multitudes, tourists, workers, between the rising buildings and souvenir shops? In the dead of winter clutching your coat against you, hurrying towards the nearest subway, or in the glory of spring, with chin up and chest high, taking in every ray of light that shined on the city?

The city you so loved, still love, but from a distance. You’re not able anymore to drag your feet slowly down Broadway watching the old men play chess on Sundays on the sidewalk, or linger at the booksellers’ tables, or duck into Housing Works Cafe during an afternoon of rain. I’ve missed the city in the rain, all that muck, all those crazy umbrellas, and the people coming in from it. That’s almost when I loved it most, when everyone, wanderers and purposeful walkers, would get soaked, and we went into cafes for coffee, sat and watched the window, loved strangers from afar and imagined their next destination.

 

Photo by I..C..U..