Unleaving…

Autumn Leafs

Márgarét, áre you gríeving
Over Goldengrove unleaving?
Leáves, like the things of man, you
With your fresh thoughts care for, can you?
Ah! ás the heart grows older
It will come to such sights colder
By and by, nor spare a sigh
Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie;
And yet you will weep and know why.
Now no matter, child, the name:
Sórrow’s spríngs áre the same.
Nor mouth had, no nor mind, expressed
What heart heard of, ghost guessed:
It ís the blight man was born for,
It is Margaret you mourn for.

– Gerard Manley Hopkins, ¨Spring and Fall¨

LingShan

– Gao XingJian, “Sonambule”

“In those contaminated surroundings I was taught that life was the source of literature, that literature had to be faithful to life, faithful to real life.  My mistake was that I had alienated myself from life and ended up turning my back on real life. Life is not the same as manifestations of life. Real life, or in other words the basic substance of life, should be the former and not the latter. I had gone against real life because I was simply stringing together life’s manifestations, so of course I wasn’t able to accurately portray life and in the end only succeeded in distorting reality.”

– Gao XingJian, Soul Mountain


Gao XingJian was the first person to win a Nobel Prize for literature written in the Chinese language, in 2000. Soul Mountain was a book that my grandfather bought for me when I was about 13, an autobiographical collection of works by the author who, while fleeing the Communist Party, wrote an account of his 10-month wanderings along the Yangtze River. My grandpa bought two copies, one in Chinese and one translated into English.  I found my copy again this summer on my bookshelf, with the bookmark three-quarters of the way in, not remembering a single thing from the book. I don’t even remember particularly enjoying it; I was on my Anne Rice vampires kick at this point. I’ve begun to read it again, and am starting to really like it; I think after having matured 10 years it’s something that a more settled and patient spirit can appreciate. 

Second-hand Memories

They say that I was awful at Cantonese when I was very little. Not that it has improved drastically over the last twenty years.  I had bad intonation and limited vocabulary and spoke to my sister only in English. This, also, hasn’t changed.

Having an older sister is useful in discovering memories of yourself you never had and which your parents have already forgotten. Anecdotes of fevers, whining, fears of monsters at the window… All of the following is remembered by my sister.

When I was one, the two bones in my left arm were broken, my parents were told, while crawling around (very vigorously?). Social workers came to our house to investigate and to see if the cause was child abuse.  My parents had to temporarily replace the padded mahjong table and chairs they were using as my make-shift crib with a real crib they had to borrow from my aunt.

I don´t think anybody really found out what had happened exactly.  My sister told me that I would stay at my aunt’s house during the day at that age; she was unofficially the Chinatown babysitter because she didn’t work.

My aunt also babysat a pair of cousins, a boy and a girl.  They spoke mandarin. My time spent there resulted in me babbling phrases in perfect mandarin at home, one of which I frequently mimicked was: “Bu yao da mei mei.”

My sister remembered asking my mother, “What is she saying?”

“Don’t hit your little sister.” Probably something my aunt used to repeat to the mandarin-speaking boy.  Perhaps that had something to do with my broken arm, who knows really? The resurfacing of these little bits of information after the course of the years is like finding gold. Perspectives change. Memories alter, adding pieces of you to yourself.